Skip to main content

“Mankind was my business. The common welfare was my business; charity, mercy, forbearance, and benevolence, were all my business. The dealings of my trade were but a drop of water in the comprehensive ocean of my business!” – Jacob Marley in Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol.

Yearly, Real Money Pro’s Doug Kass pays homage to his fellow Real Money contributors with a holiday-inspired poem. This year, Stephen Guilfoyle similarly adapted Clement Clarke Moore’s "A Visit from St. Nicholas" as a tribute to all investors.

Kass and Guilfoyle’s wit and humor shine through, so I’m sharing them in today’s special holiday edition of Smarts.

I hope you, dear reader, find these poems bring you a little extra cheer. Best wishes to you and your families for a safe and happy holiday season.

Stephen Guilfoyle writes:

“Twas the last day of trading before Christmas Eve

Not a trader was stirring. Perhaps a trick up their sleeve?

The hopes and dreams of managers dashed by a bear

They hoped that a "Santa Claus Rally" soon would be there.

To work they went on Friday needing not cars, but sleds

While visions of green shoot arrows danced in their heads.

Their friends and investors, regardless of market cap

Somehow all seemed caught in this huge value trap.

When out in my yard I heard a pitter-patter

I rushed up to see just what was the matter.

Up to my window I flew in a flash

Since 1987, I have feared another great crash

When what in my nervous search did appear?

But a realization that what matters most was already here.

With a renewed sense of faith I sat down to work

For sure, I have been foolish. Oh. What a jerk!

Those who matter most will sleep well tonight.

Their spouse, their parent or pal will fight for them, this fight.

-- Adapted and borrowed heavily from "A Visit from St. Nicholas" by Clement Clarke Moore.”

Doug Kass writes:

[How many Real Money contributor names can you find? All have been featured in this year's Smarts!]

“My Holiday Present to Our Subscribers and Real Money Pro Contributors

* 2022 marks my 25th full year with TheStreet and Real Money Pro.

* During my tenure, I have been surrounded by contributors who work hard in providing value-added observations and analysis to our subscribers.

* I am so pleased to have shared this platform with all of them over the last year and the last 2 1/2 decades.

"And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow,

Stood puzzling and puzzling; how could it be so?

It came without ribbons. It came without tags.

It came without packages, boxes or bags.

And he puzzled and puzzled till his puzzler was sore.

Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before.

What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store?

What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more?"

-- Dr. Seuss, "How the Grinch Stole Christmas"

As another year passes, it's time to revisit my annual Holiday salvo that I write in my Diary every year during the month of December.

Remarkably, at the conclusion of 2022, I will have served as a columnist for this site for 25 years. I am not sure anyone has written a continuous blog/Diary for this long a time in the financial media. That's a lot of words, ideas, music lyrics, and investment observations.

I started writing for TheStreet.com back in 1997 when I penned a column called The Contrarian. At that time, the site was a relatively new concept and a real-time experiment that struggled in its infancy. But it began to flourish even as the economy and markets suffered in 2001.

We've not only dealt with the market's ups and downs since I started writing for Jim Cramer but also have shared some of life's experiences together through visits, emails, telephone conversations, and other personal correspondences.

I share the stage with a hard-working and value-added group of contributors - this is my Holiday present to them:

It all started in June 1996

In a building on Wall Street ... far, far away.

"Young man," exclaimed the analyst,

You're sort of a fright!

You'll never catch winners

On what was Jim Cramer's site!

"The site is too small."

And you might as well know it,

When brokers sell junk,

Here's the place that they throw it.

"But listen, young man.

If you sat 50 years

With your worms and your wishes

You'd grow a long beard

Long before you'd catch winners!"

"Hmmm...," I answered,

"It may be you're right.

I've written for hours

Without one single bite."

There might be no winners.

But, again, well, there might!

'Cause you never can tell

What goes on over time!

This site might be bigger

Than you or I find!

"This might be a site, like I've read of in textbooks,

Connected to one of those underground brooks!

An underground river that starts here and flows

Right under 14 Wall! And then ... well, who knows?

It might keep going along, down where no one can see,

Right under the State Highway Two-Thousand-and-Three!

Right under the buildings! Right under the toes

Of a honcho named Rev Shark, who's hanging out his clothes!

It might keep on flowing ... perhaps, who can tell?

Right under the people in Ross Levinsohn's Hotel!

Right under Brown Brothers, where they're playing croquet!

Then under the mountains and far, far away!

"This might be a river, Now mightn't it be,

Connecting the new Arena's site with the sea!

Then maybe some winners might be swimming toward me.

(If such things could be, they certainly would be!)

"Some very smart strategists might point out the way

To the site where I'm fishing. And that's why I say

If you wait long enough; if you're patient and bright,

Who knows what you'll catch on RMP's site?!

"You might catch an AAP (that's written Bobby Lang and Chris Versace by name!)

You might catch a Chicago (Booth) fish like Silverstein (her and a Barrett run the shop!)

You might catch some editors like "Marky Mark" Dodosh, Teddy (Bear) and a guppy named Adam.

Don't forget managing editor Peter Willson, he's a long, long drawn-out freaky fish!

"Any kind! Any shape! Any color or size!

You might catch some winners that would open your eyes!

I won't be surprised if a new one appears!

Complete with a collar and long floppy ears!

Whoofing along! And perhaps we might chase

A whole lot of right straight to this place!

"You might catch a Price -- yeah that Price is usually right (!)

Or a B2 (aka Bob Byrne)

With a precision-like tail!

You might catch brother and designated hitter Bret, is he

"Meet George Jetson's" kid?

"You might catch a Sarge (but his real name is Stephen!) he's a Guilfoyle,

With that incredible pen

For producing the models

That winners portend.

You might catch a sensible Sebastian from The Lovin' Spoonful

Or a McMillan or even a flashy deep sea video with a Katherine Ross

Who is really sporty!

"You might catch an Ortmann, a Tchir, a Heller or a Garner

Now mightn't you, now!?!

You might catch another Versace (not the designer, you fool!)

Whose ideas pay for my chow.

Some fish from London.

Like Real Money Pro -- so hot,

Might decide to sign up!

Well they might, might they not?

"Or racing up north for a chance to get right,

Full steam ahead for Arena Group's site

Some lucrative winners

Like my 'fav, 'The Divine Ms. M.'

From beyond Hudson Bay

Might decide to swim down,

She might be headed RMP's way!

It's a pretty long trip,

But they might, and they may.

"You might catch an Eric (he's a Jhonsa!)

Or even an Abssy.

You may travel 'Downtown' with some fish with a technical bent

Well, you might. It depends.

A long-twisting interviewer like a Brad Ginesin on TheStreet's trading floor - he's "dope"

With a lot of strange bends

And, oddly enough,

With some thoughts on both ends!

"One doesn't catch this kind of winner as a rule,

But the chances are fine in RMP's pool!

"You might find a Ponsi 'Scheme'

An observer with muscle,

Might grab at your bait,

Then would you have a tussle!

"To land one so valuable might take two or three hours,'

But the next might be easy,

Like another Collins, Jim, who likes flowers.

"You might catch a Ciura

And a biggie named Kamich

Watch Bruce spouting his spout

And earning a bounty.

And, oh by the way,

Did I mention an 'Ask Noah?'

"Then you'll stop for the day

'Cause there's nothing that's bigger

Than RMP's site, so they say.

"Still, of course, it might be

That there is something bigger!

"Oh, the site is full of a number of newbies,

Like Maleeha Bengali.

If a subscriber is patient,

He might get many more winners!

"And that's why I think

That we all get really bright

As we sit here and read

On Real Money Pro's site!"

Happy Holidays!

I hope everyone has a great weekend. I'll be sharing time with family, including my eldest son, who is flying in from out West, so given the market is closed Monday, the next Smarts will be on Tuesday. 

THUMB-Tesla-JS-012623

Is Tesla Stock A Buy, Hold, Or Sell?

A strong earnings report sent Tesla soaring Will rich valuation relative to peers and concern over margins derail its recent rally?

THUMB Doug Kass Stocks 012523

Doug Kass’s Latest Thoughts on Stocks

Hedge fund manager Doug Kass thinks it could be tough sledding for stocks in the short term.

THUMB-Key-Stocks-JS-012423

Q4 Earnings Reports Are Key To What’s Next for Stocks

How stocks react to fourth-quarter earnings will be critical to determining if the recent stock market rally continues.

Is Tesla Stock A Buy, Hold, Or Sell?

Is Tesla Stock A Buy, Hold, Or Sell?

A strong earnings report sent Tesla soaring Will rich valuation relative to peers and concern over margins derail its recent rally?

THUMB Doug Kass Stocks 012523

Doug Kass’s Latest Thoughts on Stocks

Hedge fund manager Doug Kass thinks it could be tough sledding for stocks in the short term.

THUMB-Key-Stocks-JS-012423

Q4 Earnings Reports Are Key To What’s Next for Stocks

How stocks react to fourth-quarter earnings will be critical to determining if the recent stock market rally continues.

Chart (2)

How To Profit from Progressive Exposure

In a bear market, probing trades and progressive exposure can limit risk while still allowing you to profit from the next bull market.